Fall is usually very energizing for me.
The leaves are changing colour, the winds are blowing them about in mini-tornadoes in the circle out front, the briskness in the air, snuggly sweaters and candles with fuzzy soft blankets.
But I feel kind of empty.
Maybe not empty, just … unsure of what to do with myself.
For the past 5 days, I had Rayaa, Eleissa and Meeka visit as their mom and dad went to Calgary (Cochrane?) for a songwriting conference. Which is super cool because mom is a songwriter/performer and it took great courage to go and play for a panel of judges. But we aren’t talking about her. So the girls were here and they are terribly lovely and extremely well-mannered, but my house was full. I always thought my house was big. I don’t know why. It’s only about 1,200 sqft. But each room is seperate. We have our bedroom upstairs, with the big snuggly cloud, the gaffer’s room, and the library (still teaching hubby it’s not an office. I do not pay bills in there, I read and write). The main floor has a good size red kitchen, an orange room (kind of a sitting/office area), the living room which holds our dining room table and fireplace, and a sunroom – where we spend most of our time. And a basement with a playroom, a 70’s room (complete with blue wallpaper and old stick on paneling) and a laundry room. I love my house. It is very easy to get the quiet you want. But with three other people living here? Not so much. Oh, what was my point? Oh yes. I didn’t DO anything with the girls. I cooked, I barely cleaned, I didn’t do laundry, I just … functionned. And I got nothing done and the time flew by. It was weird. And at the end of the day I just kept thinking to myself, “I can’t live like this. It feels like there is no meaning. That time is just flying by and I have done nothing useful with it.” It’s not like any other day where I can look back and think, “Oh I got so much done”, or even “Ah, I spent time with myself. That was lovely.” So it occured to me today, while I wait for micro-editing of book 2 and wondering whether there will be a contract for book 3, that I have nothing to do.
Last week I had two days where I spent one day with a friend and going to the gym and I think I baked something, but I’m not sure. I read two books I think. I don’t remember. And now? I don’t know what to do. I ‘should’ organize my house. It’s a disaster and hubby has been terribly kind in letting it be a disaster. I mean, I am letting him hunt all week. I just … I don’t know.
I feel like I need a change. Which is strange, because just a few weeks ago I hated all the changes. Why am I not making any sense?
Maybe I’ll just get bangs.
Reading: Orange is the New Black
listening to: nothing.
eating: nothing. see? I’m dull.