The leaves are changing colour, the winds are blowing them about in mini-tornadoes in the circle out front, the briskness in the air, snuggly sweaters and candles with fuzzy soft blankets.

But I feel kind of empty.

Maybe not empty, just … unsure of what to do with myself.

For the past 5 days, I had Rayaa, Eleissa and Meeka visit as their mom and dad went to Calgary (Cochrane?) for a songwriting conference. Which is super cool because mom is a songwriter/performer and it took great courage to go and play for a panel of judges. But we aren’t talking about her. So the girls were here and they are terribly lovely and extremely well-mannered, but my house was full.  I always thought my house was big. I don’t know why. It’s only about 1,200 sqft.  But each room is seperate. We have our bedroom upstairs, with the big snuggly cloud, the gaffer’s room, and the library (still teaching hubby it’s not an office. I do not pay bills in there, I read and write). The main floor has a good size red kitchen, an orange room (kind of a sitting/office area), the living room which holds our dining room table and fireplace, and a sunroom – where we spend most of our time.  And a basement with a playroom, a 70′s room (complete with blue wallpaper and old stick on paneling) and a laundry room. I love my house. It is very easy to get the quiet you want. But with three other people living here? Not so much. Oh, what was my point? Oh yes. I didn’t DO anything with the girls. I cooked, I barely cleaned, I didn’t do laundry, I just … functionned. And I got nothing done and the time flew by.  It was weird. And at the end of the day I just kept thinking to myself, “I can’t live like this. It feels like there is no meaning. That time is just flying by and I have done nothing useful with it.”  It’s not like any other day where I can look back and think, “Oh I got so much done”, or even “Ah, I spent time with myself. That was lovely.” So it occured to me today, while I wait for micro-editing of book 2 and wondering whether there will be a contract for book 3, that I have nothing to do.

Last week I had two days where I spent one day with a friend and going to the gym and I think I baked something, but I’m not sure. I read two books I think. I don’t remember.  And now? I don’t know what to do. I ‘should’ organize my house. It’s a disaster and hubby has been terribly kind in letting it be a disaster. I mean, I am letting him hunt all week.  I just … I don’t know.

I feel like I need a change. Which is strange, because just a few weeks ago I hated all the changes. Why am I not making any sense?

Maybe I’ll just get bangs.

Reading: Orange is the New Black

Watching: nothing

listening to: nothing.

eating: nothing. see? I’m dull.

It’s awesome. I highly recommend it.

And we’re supposed to get a ‘violent’ storm. Have puchased glow in the dark sticks for the boy in case the power goes out. We all know hubby won’t get up to deal with the crying.

Oooh. Can hear thunder already.

Reading: Life in France (Julia is so lovely)

Eating: turkey with corn and fries.

Watching: husband play Wii

But I’m waiting again.

I sent off the manuscript and while the lovely Kathleen has told me that I’ve “got it”, I still wait.

I was told the book wouldn’t be out until next August. And that they would release a softcover of Jackson Jones at that time as well.

I asked if there was a chance I’d be writing a third. She said ‘maybe’. It all depends how sales are.

I think I chewed my fingernails off.

But as hubby says, ‘there is no point in worrying because worrying does nothing to fix the situation’.

I still chewed my fingers.

Watching: I don’t know.

Eating: pizza. oof.

Reading: Just finished um, Margaret Atwood’s new book there. Um. “Flood” or something.

Listening to: the boys have a sword fight in the basement. I will point out they are made of styrofoam. Just so you don’t think I’m pyscho.

Am sending edit #2 to lovely Kathleen today as she said she would read it today. But she might be busy. And I will have to be tormented longer to see if it’s good enough. I mean, I like it. At least I think I do.  Oh, I need opinions!!! Am tempted to send manuscript to friends to get feedback.  Would I get into trouble? No idea.

Received email from radio station about interview soon.  Tres exciting…

Reading: Anne’s Dream Home or something and something that won a Newberry.

Listening to: Les Gorman’s music.

Drinking: chai latte! of course!

Watching: the hot sun outside

I’m waiting for my shipment of pre-released books, which were supposed to be here, I think, last week.

I’m waiting for the release of Jackson Jones.

I’m waiting to be finished writing… no that didn’t sound right.

It’s summertime. Besides the obvious gardening, swimming, lounging, gardening, eating that happens in summer, there is also the fluff.

I don’t mean dandelion fluff. I mean chick lit fluff. 

Where you sit back in the sunshine with sunscreen on and you just read. And it makes no difference if you’re interrupted or if the book accidentally gets wet because it’s just chick lit fluff.

Oh, how I miss the fluff! I’ve tried reading Harper’s and Vogue and InStyle, but it is not scratching the itch.

While at Chapters today I noticed a ‘Buy three get one free’ sign. Oh how I longed to peruse the fluffy lit that called me in its soft voices. ‘Come read me! A novel about a divorced woman who is failing at her job and gets jam in her shoe and meets the CEO and he’s gorgeous but she can’t date him but then they fall in love and she quits to become an interior designer and they get married’.  Oh the temptation! It’s worse than tazo chais!

But I was good. I went straight to the kids section and picked out, ‘Robinson Crusoe’, ‘Journey to the Center of the Earth’, ‘Treasure Island’ and the ‘Benedict Society’.  See a theme?

Next book.

Listening to: hm…nothing?

Watching: SYTYCD

Reading: Alice in Wonderland

Eating: tonight? grande decaf soy no whip no drizzle caramel frappucino and sushi. but not together